Separation: Staying strong for International Women's Day

When I knew my marriage was over, I started the grieving process. I'd lost something that was a huge part of my life and one day it wasn't there anymore. What was and remains the hardest part to process was that I wasn't just grieving for my marriage and the way all the good memories from the past were now tainted by how horrible the end was, but I was grieving for my family. I was grieving for what my daughter had lost. In one fell swoop she lost the normality of two parents, she lost her dad as a constant in her life and I lost my back up.

I'd always wanted to "do things properly" so marriage, kids, buying a house together, holidays arguing in caravans in Cornwall and whose turn it was to do the dishes. That was gone. I couldn't at the time imagine a way it was going to work just the two of us. I cried reading stories when the daddy comes home - Tiger who Came to Tea was particularly hard. My phone drowned in tears thanks to Adele, Coldplay and Spotify's break up list - yep that actually exists!

Then last weekend, I found myself sat in our local Bill's with my little girl having a cocktail (lemonade for her!) to celebrate one year of surviving each other. It wasn't sad and I didn't think about what could have been, I celebrated what we had achieved. Sometimes I'm her best friend, sometimes she doesn't like me and she doesn't want to talk to me. Either way I stick around because at the end of the day, she's a bloody great reason to celebrate life, not commiserate.

For International Women's Day I pledge to create a positive female role model for my daughter by being a single mum working hard to provide the best she can. This blog hopefully goes some way to showing my daughter that women can be strong, but still show emotions; tired, but still fighting; and thoughtful, but still fun.

Happy International Women's Day to all the amazing women, mums, daughters, sisters and aunties just trying their best.

Back to work

So after 351 days of maternity leave, the time has come to go back to work or in my case start a new job. Two weeks into my 50 day maternity leave in Oman (yep 50 whole days...) I realised that I couldn't return to my then job. The hours combined with the stress I felt while pregnant there made me realise that returning as a new mum so soon after what was quite a traumatic birth just wasn't going to work. I wanted time to be a mother and find out what makes my little girl laugh, smile, cry and stare. I wanted to be there for her first solids and breastfeed as long as I could - for those interested we are still doing a morning and night feed - while taking her to parent and child groups and singing silly songs in the park. I have made some lovely mummy friends and and the Mini Grumpy Egyptian has made some friends of her own, but now the playdates and morning coffee sessions are no more as instead I will be at work.

My new job has me doing something that I think is going to prove really interesting and I am looking forward to having to engage my brain a little more than I have in previous months. Am I nervous however about the new office environment? Not really... instead I am thinking or perhaps hoping is a more suitable word, that the Mini Grumpy Egyptian is going to be ok. I know I can't be there forever, but I would have selfishly liked a little more time. She has a fantastic childminder and my dad is going to be looking after her for this first week to help her settle, so I really hope things go to plan.

Working will mean I get that much talked about and highly controversial "me-time". It will mean that we can - if the current government doesn't change any more regulations - get the spouse visa for the Grumpy Egyptian and get him here with us. It will mean I can wear necklaces and earrings again without someone trying to pull them out!

It feels a little sad, I won't lie. Like the end of an era almost. The Mini Grumpy Egyptian has been such a big part of my everyday for what feels like so long now, but I will still be there for dinner and bedtime and be waking her in the morning for a little feed before I dash out. I will miss her and I will worry that she is ok or that she is crying, but this is for our future and I hope this will make me a better mummy.

Wish me luck and see you soon...