Saturday, 8 July 2017

Mummy, why won't you give daddy a kiss?

Because daddy walked out on us. Because daddy didn't care enough about us to keep trying. Because daddy broke mummy's heart and one day he will most likely break yours. Because the most important thing in daddy's life is daddy.

You'll be pleased to know none of that came out of my mouth and brain engaged in time to say "because mummy and daddy aren't friends like that anymore, but of course we still love you." I say that when she asks - which is getting more infrequent - why he isn't with us like her friends daddies but I'm not always sure the love is flowing from his end quite so freely. He laughed when she said I had to do a kiss goodbye. Laughed. Like it is funny that the man I promised to love for the rest of my life now repulsed me so much I don't want to even hear his name let alone blow a kiss down Skype.

I was strong when he was weak and I kept going. I didn't run away or turn to another man/woman for comfort. I turned to my daughter, my friends and my family. And yes, sometimes I cried myself to sleep because despite never actually being alone when you have a small child, I still felt so alone. He doesn't deserve her affection, her laughs and her smiles. I'm sure that sometimes he feels bad, but not for what happened and how he treated us but bad for himself. He was the victim in all of this. In his head.

I always knew one day I'd find myself crying again because of the ex-husband, I just thought I had a bit longer left before it stemmed from something the mini one said. I don't know what the future holds, but that laugh from him, that cruel laugh dissolved any shred of doubt I had that being a girls only house with just the mini one and I is the best thing.

She's my ball of everything and he's a figure from the past I have to tolerate, until he gets bored and decides it's all about him again. I know one day what has happened will all be my fault in her eyes as it was in his, but until then I will keep making her smile and doing my best to make her happy. Because that's what we both deserve and she can have all the kisses she wants from me.


1 comment:

  1. Dad/grandad will always be here for you both x��